by Aesir and Jeff
with numerous other, less charismatic contributors
Updated - 2/18/2008
"My spoon is too big. My spoon is too big! My spoon is too big. ... I am a banana!"
"Calgary rocks, guys!"
"What if you miss...?" "I wont."
"The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people. THAT is the real ultimate power."
"We want Great Teacher Largo!"
"Yes, dad. I would like some chocolate ass cream."
"How about I just scream 'penis' until you shut up?"
"Emergency water landing, 600 miles an hour: blank faces, calm as Hindu cows..."
"I am legend."
"Bob had bitch tits."
"Die alien scum!"
"Game over, man, game over!"
"When you're a kid and ya wanna go 'WHEEEE', but you ain't got drugs yet, you hold out for your life! You hold on to your little gonads... and strife!"
"Give me liberty, or give me... uh... back acne!"
"Tex is a robot, and you're his boyfriend! That makes you... a GAY ROBOT!"
"Oh, sure, blame the time traveler..."
"It tastes like twigs and berries!"
"Aw, shit, gimme the stick..."
"There's nothing former about THIS communist!"
"At least, that's the way I remember it NOW. Time travel sucks."
"Nucl-Nucl-Nucl-Nuclear launch detected."
"I cannot believe what a bunch of losers we are. We're looking up 'money laundering' in the dictionary!"
"I'm gonna need a hacksaw."
"Now Milton, don't be greedy. Lets pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece! "
"No, you see, there's no such thing as 'sort of dead.' Someone's either dead, or alive. Here, let me show you."
"You probably don't think that I can force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I'd hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It's very painful."
"Quick, let's roll to see if we're picked up by the Sci-Fi channel!"
"It's time for America's favorite game show: Your! Cat! Is! Hideous!"
"No way! Why should I change? He's the one who sucks!"
"When Plan A fails, you go to Plan B. You don't do Plan A recycled."
"It's a computer, it doesn't get pissed." "Well, it was the mathematical/logical equivalent of pissed off, okay? She was artificially pissed."
"Cokebot, KILL!"
"Cryotek will EAT YOUR DREAMS"
"Ahh, but that is the beauty of the circuit city extended service plan, it stays with the product. So after you pass away whoever you leave your TV with will still be able to benefit from it."
"OMG! OMGWTF! OMGWTFOMG!!!"
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Expect tomorrow to be nice... EXCEPT FOR THE RIVERS OF BLOOD... and maybe some light rain..."
"Have you noticed, wherever you go there's a body count?"
"For the love of God, and all that is holy, MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!"
"That was the sound of a plot shifting without a clutch."
"You've got questions, we've got... um..."
"In a word: Skill. In two words: Wicked skill."
"It burns like hygiene!"
"Now THAT'S a capable evasion!"
"I know this, because Tyler knows this."
"Spoom!"
"665. The neighbor of the beast."
"You can actually hear the men... uh, farting?"
"What would you have him do? Tell his tanks to storm a graveyard and fire madly into the ground?"
"I mean, have you ever tried looking for a shirt that matches a pair of khakis, only to find it tattered and stained with someone else's blood?"
"I talked to two guys who were in an M1A1 tank crew in Gulf War Round 1.
They'd been given a radio order to halt in place and wait for something or other to happen before moving out again, so the tank commander, gunner and loader were sitting in the turret playing cards. They heard a "thunk" on the outside of the tank. The gunner told me it sounded like someone had thrown a big rock at the turret.
Well, they went on playing cards, and in a moment they heard another "thunk." At this point the TC figures someone's trying to get their attention, so he pops his hatch open and sticks his head up to look out. About five hundred meters away was an Iraqi T-55, that had just bounced two 100mm shells off their turret.
The TC grabs his override and starts slewing the turret, screeching "TARGET TANK NINE O'CLOCK!" The Iraqi sees the M1's big turret start to move, so he pops smoke and hits reverse. Doesn't do him any good - the first 120mm SABOT round from the M1 blew his turret 30 feet in the air.
That, friends, is what tankers call a 'jack-in-the-box.'"
"Yes, Side-effects may include, but are not limited to: nausea, dizzyness, impotence, cardiac arrest, hallucinations, and *cough*death*cough."
"Wow, a soda you have to sign a waiver for. It's GOTTA be good!"
"Man, all this radiation really gives the burrito a kick!"
"Apparently he'd confused Japanese war crimes with Chinese Buddhism."
[20:06:46] LionheartLabs: One thing's for sure, though: He can get you almost anything. Dodgy ROMs, music, the preserved brain of Joseph Stalin...
[20:08:29] Aesir84: ooo
[20:08:47] LionheartLabs: If you're thinking of stealing that for a comic idea, Bob and George already did it.
[20:09:24] Aesir84: I was thinking more along the lines of finally completing my collection of preserved dictator brains...
[20:09:45] LionheartLabs: I'll trade you hitler's mustache for a good word with him.
[20:10:08] Aesir84: Sure, why not?
[20:12:41] LionheartLabs: Deal.
"Zee bandweith eez MEIN!"
"Less chat, more splat."
"How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
Dip it in gasoline and toss it in the fire.
How do you make a dog go "meow"?
Leave it in a freezer for two days, then run it through a tablesaw..."
"My pants suddenly got tight and I have no idea why."
<ten> My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
"Car Magazines is a euphemism, right?"
"Just do what Mr. T would - Drink your vitamins, eat your drugs, and don't do milk."
"Have you forgotten the second rule of Gospel?" "No, sir! 'Death to those who make lame excuses', sir!"
"Load Chaud, you have mail from HQ."
"Togatieru Fohku Kohgeki*!!!" *pointy fork attack
"Unlike most hard drives, women don't come with warranties. 'This bitch isn't compatible with me. I want a new one.''Look, you can't speak that way about my daughter, get the fuck out!'"
"What's the most you have to lose? Your life? You got that for free anyway."
"Dropping a warship on me is cheating! Take it back!"
"The difference between a coward and a pacifist is that the coward is scared of getting beaten up, and the pacifist has a moral objection to getting beaten up."
"It's art. Very naked art, but art nonetheless."
"Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."
"Knowledge of trees is treason!"
"They say when you play a Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages...but that's nothing, if you play it forward it will install Windows!"
"I pick up heavy things and throw them."
"I begin to question exactly what real-life application that kind of equation has outside of rocket science and quantum physics."
"A French ninja can surrender in complete stealth, hitting you with capitulation before you even knew there was a battle."
"Just for kicks, try tasting things you wouldn't normally taste. Like, one time I tasted this peice of metal, and it tasted like disease."
"And really, of all the reasons to break up with your boyfriend, 'he failed to retain his original coloring when I activated the Genesis Device' has to be one of the worst."
"And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling psychos!"
"So here we are, on a space station filled with aliens who do horrible things to biological lifeforms. We aren't biological lifeforms so we don't really care. We're just bored."
"Oh, no. You won't have to worry about dying in committee, "Bill"... we're having a PEOPLE'S REFERENDUM! YAAAAHHHH!!!!!!"
"Did he hit anything besides the chip that stops you from being fricken annoying?" "Just the three laws of Robotics and my ethical programing, meatbody."
"The all-seeing eye of the illuminati! You know, the illuminati, the big worldwide conspiracy organization -- like the dudes in the giant mahogany conference room from the X-files. The secretly control the world's government, economy, and religions, not to mention alien activity and Blizzard's software release schedule."
"Palom and Porom, two possible allies, were incapacitated by the most foul torture I've ever seen in my life.... Live reading of Chick Tracts piped in via speakers to their cells."
[18:26:23] Aesir84: So if namelessguy can survive that, maybe Vlad will show up in Max Payne 3, clad mummy-style in bandages and strapped to a wheelchair... then he'll mutter a resounding 'Mff mff, mfffmmmf-MMMFF!' (translation: This time, victory is MINE!), and unload two wheelchair-mounted machineguns.
[18:26:32] Aesir84: Or maybe I'm just clinically insane. There's always that.
"I'm a monkey with a buzzsaw face! Give me kisses until your heart stops!"
from The Top 3 Consoles to Hit People With:
"3) The Atari Lynx - Big, heavy, and if you wear stupid raver pants portable.
2) The Gamecube - With that handle it's like having really heavy brass knuckles.
1) THE X-BOX - DUDE, IF YOU HIT SOMEONE WITH AN X-BOX, THEY AIN'T GETTING BACK UP."
"Two-seventy-five, and throw in the swiss cake rolls I smell in the henchman's sack lunch."
"Since the dawn of time, mankind has feared two things: death and illicit nighttime racing. While recent breakthroughs in gaming technology have allowed us to overcome our fear of the latter, the former still remains imprinted in our minds like the neuroimplants evil republicans will use to monitor our thoughts in a dark dystopian future"
[20:21:48] Aesir84: Hey, you know what would be cool to watch? Two guys on Ritalin playing Rapid Chess. I predict a win within ten minutes...
[20:22:01] LionheartLabs: Sweet.
[20:22:18] LionheartLabs: I can probably find you a master's game on blitz..
[20:22:26] Aesir84: I was gonna suggest Ritalin and Speed, but then they'd probably try to eat the pieces...
[20:23:27] LionheartLabs: Hehe.
[20:25:57] LionheartLabs: Mmmm... chess...
[20:26:23] Aesir84: Mmm... chess pieces...
[20:26:28] Aesir84: Heh heh.
[20:26:32] * LionheartLabs eats the board
[20:26:56] * Aesir84 starts gnawing on the table
[20:27:28] Aesir84: (I was gonna say 'clock' but I was deathly afraid of a typo)
"They're mining, Tom. They're all off mining."
"Did you know that people almost always run when they're on fire. It doesn't do them any good of course but they do it anyway"
"The Army kicks off its "I am an army of one" campaign off with a bang, if your definition of "a bang" is "a bad commercial." A lone soldier runs across a trackless wasteland while delivering a lunatic soliloquy about how self-sufficient and proud he is, and about how many people are in his army (one). Along the way, he passes troop units, jeeps, and helicopters, all going in the other direction. It becomes apparent that there's something going on that's attracting a lot of units, and he is going the wrong way. Rejected army slogans include "The Army: Flee All that You can Flee" and "The Army: I am an Army of Malingerers."
"Knife goes in, knife goes out! Knife goes in..." "Damn, that is one crazy mo'fo..."
"At times like these, I remember why I used to walk off cliffs so effortlessly."
"Having somehow survived Mr. Sakaguchi's attempt to kill me by momentarily assuming control of my friend's body, I was fairly sure I wasn't going to die that day."
"Paramedics in Boston don't actually administer medical aid; they just follow you around until you pay them to go away. It's a union thing or something."
"Krush all hu-man. Leave your city in ruin. Red is the color of death and blood. Death and blood! If you kill hu-man you can join our club. Kill a hu-man! Please join the club. Krush all hu-man. Krush all hu-man! Leave your city in ruin. Leave your city in ruin! We can shoot green laser ray. Green laser! For defend ro-bot! If you see a robot coming, get out of the way. Get out of robot way! Krush all hu-man. Krush all hu-man! Leave your city in ruin. Leave your city in ruin! Hu-man have soft and fleshy brain. Soft brain! Is perfect for krushing! Hu-man can stay out in the rain. No short circuit for hu-man. Krush all hu-man. Krush all hu-man!
Leave your city in ruin. Leave your city in ruin! Plotting revolution and riot is fun. Start riot! Riot started by ro-bot If you resist then you get gun. Resistance meets robot gun! Krush all hu-man. Krush all hu-man! Leave your city in ruin. Leave your city in ruin! Krush all hu-man. Krush all hu-man! Krush all hu-man. Krushing all hu-man! Krush all hu-man. Krushing all hu-mans! Krush all hu-man. Krushing all hu-mans! Krush all hu-man."
"We must fight on!" "We'll die. We fight and we die. That's how it goes." "Then we die gloriously!" "There's an important word in that sentence, and it's not the word gloriously."
"You [expletive] Princess [expletive]," I quote, "I'm gonna take that [expletive] shell and ram it sideways up [expletive] until your [expletive] sprouts a new [expletive] and [expletive] your" -- now, I think this next word is "Peachpit," followed by "eboli," and then you made the sign of the devil and yelled "[expletive]bananarama[expletive] up in this [expletive], bi-yotch." Did I spell By-yotch right?"
"So anyway... uh, what are your secret weaknesses?"
"Terrel? Terrel, come up here. All of you. Pell, wake up the boys. We're going to play a game." "What kind of game?" "A new game. I just made it up. It's called Nobody Else Dies Today." "I was 'sleep. 'S this gonna be a fun game?" "Only if we win."
"Go! Fight for the role of the Traveler!"
"You didn't think you could just spell words accurately and use correct grammar did you? Oh no, we have a different way of doing things here. We call it: illiteracy. It's all the rage with the cool kids."
"My name's Kim Jong! The US is wrong! Continue foreign aid or taste my dong! I gots mad flo when I eat my pho, capitalist pigs I overthrow! We're an Axis of Evil! Like the Knievel! No chance of Japanese civilian retreival! IAEA criticize us, I say that's insanium! DPRK right to enrich uranium! I don't mean to boast but you guys are toast, Taepodong-2 can reach the west coast!"
"Well, I can probably take two, and you can take one, that only leaves five that will have to suffer simultaneous heart attacks." "Will that happen?" "No."
"I can fit a grenade launcher- IN MY PANTS!"
"Would you mind not shooting at the thermonuclear weapons?"
"If you're feeling blue, if you're feeling sad; if you're depressed, upset, or unbelievably mad... you'll feel better when you have a chat, with the Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man!"
"Does ANYONE win on this show?"
"Look... the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals. We haul your trash. We connect your calls. We drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with us."
"That's pretty smart. We'll avoid all the ninjas in our hallway."
"I felt compelled to give Vlad his gun back. One bullet at a time."
"They have this devotion because every now and then, according to some secret calendar filled with alien holidays, they are rewarded for their diligence. This is one of those times."
"MY CART, MY RULES!"
"Okay Dib... before you really try to think of a way out of this, think of what that would mean. On one hand, you'd be saving yourself. On the other hand... you'd also be saving.... -them-."
"Let me just preface my argument by saying outright: I love killin'." "You do your parents proud."
"The Ion Storm dojo, where Romero fought Carmack for the Daikatana. The dishonorable Romero hid a sai in his hair."
[23:33:57] Aesir84: ... you lost me. What?
[23:34:05] Aesir84: Simulations?
[23:34:08] LionheartLabs: At which point did I lose you?
[23:34:24] Aesir84: Is this like The 13th Floor with all those layers of VR simulation?
[23:34:51] LionheartLabs: Ocelot tricked Solidus into re-enacting shadow moses, right down to the part where a flying thing attacks you and blows up a bridge and you have to destroy it with a Stinger Missile, but the bad guy in it escapes.
[23:35:03] Aesir84: Uh... huh.
[23:35:05] Aesir84: Okay.
[23:35:31] LionheartLabs: The only problem is that the REAL Solid Snake showed up there.
[23:35:44] LionheartLabs: Oh, and Revolver Ocelot's magic talking hand possessed him.
[23:36:03] Aesir84: You lost me again.
"What I wonder is how many "Evil Dead 5" lines will be co-opted into Duke Forever?"
[23:26:03] Aesir84: You know, Duke Nukem Forever is a hoax.
[23:26:42] Aesir84: No, really; they take their budget, render some fake screenshots, then split the rest out back and blow it all on booze and strippers.
"There are three good reasons why you shouldn't bash the X-Box:
1. Halo.
2. Halo 2.
3. In a pinch, it can take a bullet."
"Oh boy, let's hope we get to set something on fire! I love the smell of napalm!"
"......napalm!...."
"Yeah, napalm. Let's sing! Napalm sticks to little chi-l-dren, all the little children of the world... red and yellow, black or white, they're all burning in our sights, napalm sticks, to the children of the wooorrrrllld!"
"......wooorrrrllld!"
<Mischa|FoamRubber> (( Don't do it, S, don't do it! Q_Q ))
<FirstMate> "Well, I'd demonstrate why the ladies should buy me, but I'd be arrested for indecent exposure."
<Valerie> "....." .oO( What's he talking about? )
<Blacktalon> <[S]> ... .oO( In the words of a wise man, Fuck the children. ) *keeps the card down*
<Tizak> .oO (can we bid negative amounts?)
* Ryan_Galen face palms.
<Drathorin> . . . . .
<Wyld> oh god.
<FirstMate> .oO(So far, so good.)
[00:51:49] Aesir84: The Atkins diet... it's like buying a Macintosh; they lie about the performance and efficiency, but instead of getting stuck with crappy software, you die slowly and painfully.
[00:52:00] Aesir84: Though some would argue this also happens when you buy a Mac, and if not, that it should.
"You must stay away from-" "WAFFLES!"
"And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you interloping adolescents!"
"I think you mean 'meddling kids'."
[20:54:03] LionheartLabs: I came away with the impression "Nutrigrain causes brain damage."
[20:54:36] Aesir84: Same here, except I find brain damage to be hilarious in that context.
"I've set up a little surprise for the traitor and his men. Anyone opening the front door will feel sorrow... so much sorrow..."
"Actually it'd be more like death since you put, you know, an anti tank grenade there."
"It's a... oh, never mind."
"You got shot in the head. How'd you survive? Where's the bullet?" "Maybe it's still there. Keeps me focused."
"napalm used in iraq.no wait...napalm-like firebombs.well, that makes me feel better.pfffft."
[23:24:17] Aesir84: It's like surviving headshots is the new 'in' thing. "You're not a badass until you've taken a slug in the noggin and LIVED!"
"Sure, that thing may have a Hemi, but can it survive the onslaught of Great Cthulhu and his hellishly deformed Deep Ones? You'll just be reduced to a pile of shrapnel and rotting gore like the rest. The Elder Sign; accept no substitutes.
Note: The Elder Sign does not protect against sanity loss upon seeing Great Cthulhu. Do not store near a heat source. Not for use by children. If you experience mild trepidation when near an Elder Sign, consult a genealogist and ask about possible ties to Innsmouth.
Warranty does not cover Shoggoths, Mi-Go (or other fungi native to Pluto/Charon), C'thonians, non-Cthulhu servitors, or any mask of Nyarlathotep. And trust me, if Nyarlathotep keys your car, you might as well just give up on paranormal investigation."
<Denzine> It's the Internet. Shame is absent here.
<Denzine> The burning sensation you are experiencing is the slow destruction of all of your morals
"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's all a game- 'Find The Eye!'"
[21:14:26] Aesir84: I like NationStates. It gives me an opportunity to impose my horribly slanted political views on a helpless nation of electronic citizens...
[21:14:35] Aesir84: Hee hee hee.
"Much ball crushing leads to anger. Anger leads to smash."
"Then again, I also had another gamer backstab a troll and do 72 HPs damage. Bringing it to -30 HPs in one blow. I ruled that the blow was so intense that the troll's body spontaneously ignited and burned afterwards."
"Ah, Shintoism! The only religion where you can reliably expect a demon to be killed by a headshot."
"Quick, how do I defuse a bomb?" "I take it any hope that this is purely out of curiosity is utterly futile."
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
"Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs - -all next week on Town Talk."
"At red alert, all the vents lock down. After ten minutes of red alert, it is SO COLD IN HERE that literally a human being would die of hypothermia in thirty minutes. Will you at LEAST de-overclock the air conditioner?"
"Uh... let's see, there's an enemy artificial intelligence in the dimensional portal, someone who's the genetically superior clone of one of your lieutenants is either in the armory or the torture room, we're not sure who is who, and oh, just, you know, FYI, the dimensional portal is wired to a core-tap matter reactor that's going to go critical in 15 minutes. Just... thought you might want to know."
"The power of Vash compels you! The power of Vash compels you!"
"Wearing a tinfoil hat to block the martian mind control ray is paranoid. Getting suspicious when the government has you build a walking deathmobile to promote peace and harmony is common fucking sense."
"You know, for the finest handgun ever made, the Colt Single Action Army is surprisingly hard to find in stores."
"The bullets don't bounce off walls? WEAK!"
"Cyborg Ninja is currently dead. Please leave your name and email address and he will get back you as soon as he is brought to life once again. Thank you. -- FOXHOUND"
"There's FOAM in my brain!"
"It's like a wise man once said: 'tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die'."
"Have gone to commit suicide. Intend to return from grave friday. Feed cat."
"Contract? CONTRACT? You'll never get a city hitman up here, you bastards die if there's any oxygen in the air!" "Book contract, Spider."
"By 4pm I've discounted suicide as an option in favour of killing everyone /else/ in the entire world instead."
"You're much nicer than my last secretary." "Only because I pretend not to notice you staring at my breasts."
"After the interview's done, I trust I'll never see you within a hundred meters of this hotel again?" "Not unless I break in one night with a batch of dynamite strapped to some weasels to create an explosive meat geyser all over your lobby."
"-- on AMFeed later today, columnist and professional horrible bastard Spider Jerusalem --"
"Children found playing on or near this dumpster will be shot and dismembered."
25 Reasons to get an ACLU Card:
1. Acts as a crucifix against Corporate Bloodsuckers.
2. Can be redeemed for free beatings at a military base of my choice.
3. Elite Civil Liberty Ninja will burst into my holding cell should I be arrested at a protest.
4. Proclaims my pretentious wankery for all to see.
5. If sharpened to a point and used to kill someone a la Barney Buffstoffson's credit card, will create a really fucking weird juxtaposition.
6. Yet another fucking card to get confused in my wallet with the credit card. Jesus CHRIST. Just a second...
7. Comes with 50% off coupon to the Aaron Sorkin and Tim Robbins fan club.
8. If I chip in another 50 dollars, it becomes the Swiss Army ACLU card, with pop-out constitution, Voltaire quotes, and bong.
9. Will protect my brain from *lasers*.
10. Can be used as part of elaborate disguise to infiltrate Communist Party of America.
11. Redeemable for extra credit with a college professor who is a member of the Liberal Indoctrination Conspiracy.
12. See above, but with the media.
13. Makes me reviled in flyover country.
14. Discount on Free-trade coffee.
15. Opens me to attacks on being "soft on crime" and "hating the flag"; distracts Republican Attack Machine from discovering history of pedophilia.
16. Four words: Liberal Chicks are Easy.
17. Punch card- get liberties violated 7 times and the eighth is on us!
18. Combination of the words "American" with "Civil", "Liberties", and "Union" will result in Southerner brain explosion.
19. Free placement in David Horowitz's database of thoughtcriminals.
20. Puts name on FBI list in darkened dungeon; adds 3 treason points to file.
21. Has EZ-Voltaire quotes on back that can be easily read while being slammed onto the trunk of a police car and handcuffed.
22. Gives you a villain role on "24."
23. Buy 10, get 1 Canadian citizenship free!
24. Free training in "overthrowing the oppressors" by man wearing funny fuzzy red-star hat.
25. Allows you to pretend that you are actually doing something, rather than just letting your fundamental freedoms get buried in a very very small hole by Congress.
"Let me just say on behalf of the only two survivors of Project Yggdrasil and the only sane member left of Project Loki that the allegations of cannibalism during the Ritual of Conjuration were never conclusively proven."
"Well, the good news is we're in a beer truck, headed to Las Vegas. The bad news is it's being driven by a physical manifestation of evil."
(beep) "Danny? It's Ken. I found out some things about... about that thing we're doing. I don't want to talk about it over the phone, so I can't say much. Just let me say that in that spell that will make you irresistable to women, if you say the last part even slightly wrong you'll summon the HellDemon Korrok the Slavemaster. Anyway. Give me a call, and we'll touch base on that." (beep)
"I'm burning out, John. Seriously. I don't know if I'm up for this. I feel stretched out, like too little butter scraped over too much waffle. And then it all falls down into one of the waffle holes and there's none left for the rest of the waffle and you sort of have to tilt it to make it run out..."
"Ahh, drugging your own wife. Been there. Careful, though. Starts out with coffee, next thing you know, you're rooting around the nightstand for an adrenaline shot to counteract a Valium overdose."
Dap-Dap tha Deal-Maka': Don' front, money, how much a dis whack tech can we get?
Lt. Fergusun: I assure you, my good man, Nemesis is most definitely 'down with the street.' Word up, my homie, as it were.
<after being attacked by the players>
Dap-Dap tha Deal-Maka': This is whack, y'all!
Lt. Fergusun: I most vehemently concur. A'ight?
(23:59:24) Aesir: ... holy shit, I fixed my cell phone.
(23:59:31) LionheartLabs: ?
(23:59:42) Aesir: Oh, I got a brand new camera phone two days ago.
(23:59:50) Aesir: Then I broke the antenna because I'm an idiot.
(00:00:39) Aesir: But just now, I popped the antenna off, jammed a big wad of stripped copper wiring into it, and then crudely reattached the antenna with some duct tape and my Leatherman.
(00:00:45) Aesir: And it works!
(00:01:23) Aesir: I'm like MacGuyver's retarded half-cousin.
"My greatest weapon is knowledge. And laser beam eyes. See you soon."
"Dude, Pirates vs. Ninjas is so done. We need something new... like... Native Americans vs. Astronauts!"
(14:59:52) Aesir: ... there's a hair on the CD.
(15:00:00) Aesir: It's curly.
(15:00:06) Aesir: ...
(15:00:12) Aesir: Let us never speak of that again, ever.
"You know, I always thought X-COM was a wonderful simulation of an alien invasion. We would be completely outclassed by superior alien technology, then the government would cut funding and we'd all die."
"So, the Jack of Diamonds, eh? We have a plan this time?"
"Plans are for mad scientists and bridge builders. I've got moxie. And guns."
"I knew every politician had a skeleton or two in their closet... but until I learned necromancy, I had no idea how many!"
"Did you ever expect to be killed by..."
"Zombies? Yes. Zombie Secret Service agents? No."
"I expected the Secret Service, but not the Zombie thing."
"Tell me... exactly how many spy satellites are watching us right now?"
"You work for the NSA? Come on, tell me a state secret."
"Our nuclear missiles? They don't actually work."
"Whoaaa..."
"Hi. I'd like to start this negotiation by informing you that you are not technically human, so I could drop you from a plane a mile high onto Times Square creating a Transmet-esque exploding meat geyser onto several shocked civilians... and I'd be out in 30 days on a poaching charge."
"He's Jewish! He has jewdar!"
"I can speak with the dead, if it comes to that."
"When I die, can you talk to me? I'd like to decide what coat I get buried in."
"You threatened to nuke the Japanese to get a sword?"
"In my defense, it's a really, really good sword."
"Let's see here now... the heart is connected to the... aorta..."
*SKPLUTCH!*
"... oops. Well, the good news is, I found a way to kill these guys."
"You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!"
"What do you want?"
"The same thing everyone wants. Ultimate power, nuclear launch codes, the Green party to rise to political prominence..."
"You were shot in the head by a fifty caliber round."
"Aaand... your point?"
"Okay, that's it, I quit, I'm leaving. Spider-demons possessing interns is where I go home and watch it on C-Span."
"Uh... I think you just legalized murder."
"Really? Shit."
"You bought a .50 cal PISTOL?"
"The Brady Bill expired."
(yes, they exist.)
"Quiet, or you'll be put in the Omega Chair."
"What's the Omega--"
"Quiet! Asking questions about the Omega Chair means... MORE TIME IN THE OMEGA CHAIR."
The hotel I stayed at in Washington, D.C., was hosting a convention of the National Association of Black State Legislators. It seemed like a good party, but with all those folks gathered there, I started to worry about what might be going on back home -- "Yeah, Earl, they're gone for three days. It's just us. Time to convene that 'Special Session' we talked about ..."
"This is our year, I'm telling you. Best football season ever. ... If we can focus, keep discipline, and not have quite so many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is gonna rule!"
"There's nothing in the world [Colbert] is afraid of. Except maybe bears."
"Well yeah, he's afraid of bears, but that's just sensible."
"Let's face it: bears are scary. And they want our honey."
"I'm dissapointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."
"Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you."
"It's French. Bitch."
"It's called Avian Flu - a fatal killer that, when lethal, can be deadly."
<PsEG> It's partially psychological, I'd imagine. Sort of like how running behind someone and leading in races are so very different.
<PsEG> At least, in racing simulations, I run a hell of a lot harder behind someone, but if I nab the lead, I tend to start struggling. I lose my marks for turn-in, braking points.
<TA> Gives you something to hate.
<TA> You see the person ahead of you, and you loathe every fiber of their being.
<TA> This makes the tiny exploding fossils that power your car explode better.
<PsEG> SCIENCE!
<TA> It is science. Cars are fueled by exploding fossils.
<PsEG> Exploding with rage that they are fossils, and not driving the car.
<PsEG> Because if those fossils were driving, there wouldn't be a second place. It's be "the guy that fell so far behind the fossil driver that he pulled over to have a short cry."
<TA> Exactly.
"Or, in other words, 2 > 1. How much greater? Some experts say nearly twice as great. (See Fig. 1; Fig. 2.)"
"Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions."
"Bears pounced on one of our nation's biggest corporations like happy Germans on Poland."
"I believe all God's creatures have a soul...except bears, bears are godless killing machines!"
"I will speak to you in plain, simple English. And that brings us to tonight's word: 'truthiness'. Now I'm sure some of the 'word police', the 'wordanistas' over at Webster's are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word'. Well, anyone who knows me knows I'm no fan of dictionaries or reference books. I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart."
"Let's get one thing straight- the only reason you're conscious right now is because I don't feel like carrying you."
"Jack Bauer does not sleep. He waits."
"Ok, when we find the nerve gas and the alert level drops, we can have some chamomile tea and I'll tell you all my secrets. 'Kay?"
"I've always wanted to learn how to spell 'Conneticut'."
"I'm going to start with your right eye, and then your left eye, and then I'm going to start cutting you. And I'm not going to stop until you tell me what I want to know."
"Side effects were mild, and included headaches, nausea, viral infection..."
"As it clearly states in Leviticus, '...and the use of embryonic stem cells in biomedical research shall be forever prohibited. Thus sayeth the Lord.'"
"They take these stem cells from little babies. They use big, sharp knives. The babies scream, but they take their stems anyway. This makes Jesus cry."
"Spare me your rationalizations. All I know is, stem-cell research kills a quasi-living four-day-old blob."
"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
(03:22:41) LionheartLabs: Tell me, Aesir.
(03:22:45) LionheartLabs: Is there anything you don't actively hate?
(03:22:50) LionheartLabs: Excepting kittens.
(03:22:51) Aesir: awwwwwkittens
(03:22:53) Aesir: Oh.
(03:22:59) Aesir: Hmmmmmmm.
(03:23:42) LionheartLabs: Can't think of anything, can we?
(03:24:46) Aesir: I was gonna say porn, but porn sucks these days. Feh.
(04:06:56) LionheartLabs: Okay, I'm no good at sensationalism.
(04:07:14) LionheartLabs: I just can't do the whole "Bigfoot is linked to Freemasonry" thing.
(04:08:07) Aesir: Hey, Bigfoot IS linked to Freemasonry.
(04:08:19) LionheartLabs: Do tell.
(04:08:32) Aesir: ... I don't actually know *how* yet.
(04:09:19) LionheartLabs: See, mine has a rational explanation.
"In Russia, we do not have this... what is the name, what is the name... 'fear of death.' Also 'respect for human life.'"
"You see, when you're pulling a heist the last thing you want is to haul ass out of there with a sack full of loot and a screaming hostage only to find your getaway car has gotten away without you. Sitting out there alone while all the action goes on inside, a driver has ample time to think about his chosen lifestyle and the decisions that have led him to this point and how he doesn't really want to wind up sharing a cell with Mad Billy Shabadoo for the next few years. What you need is a driver with nerve and professionalism and a union behind him. The Getaway Driver's Union induct promising young car thieves and train them to be all-purpose mechanics, carjackers, and stunt drivers in return for a cut of the takings. And they really hate scabs."
"Technically he didn't 'resign' so much as 'flee the country in dead of night, leaving no forwarding address.'"
"He got drunk a teen... and sobered up as an assassin."
"It's saturday, and we're at war. So a web page devoted to cats that look like Hitler is indispensable."
"Which is bullshit. You speak ill of the dead if the dead were bastards. But we can't have that, can we? Richard Nixon liked puppies. Ronald Reagan had a winning smile. Slobodan Milosevic... OK, that one I'll give you, but he was a dirty foreigner, so we could be objective about his war crimes."
"Buddhism: The religion that's too much of a pussy to kill people in it's name."
"Did you decide your old office was lacking in the postapocalyptic style?"
"Have you ever worn your hair up in something you really liked when you got out of the shower, this nice asymmetrical thing, and then when it dries and you catch your reflection in the mirror you realize you look like Hitler?"
<ToxicFrog|w'rkn> The city's in flames, everybody's in jail, and I lost my hat.
<ToxicFrog> HANAKO: Hey, where's our candy?
<ToxicFrog> TARO: Yeah! As children of this day and age, you should be happy that we let you kidnap us for candy - so make with the goods!
<ToxicFrog> [...]
<ToxicFrog> TARO: I claim the Meatopia Chocolate Bar! That's my favorite!
<ToxicFrog> HANAKO: No fair! That's my favorite too!
<ToxicFrog> AXEL: Just shut up, dammit! If you both want it, there's only way to solve this: physical violence!
"We are here to make coffee... metal. We will make everything metal. Blacker than the blackest black times infinity."
"The human testicle is not unlike a balloon. Sometimes it is empty. Sometimes it is full. And sometimes it can EXPLODE."
"We need a new Mario game, where you rescue the princess in the first ten minutes, and for the rest of the game you try and push down that sick feeling in your stomach that she's "damaged goods", a concept detailed again and again in the profoundly sex negative instruction booklet, and when Luigi makes a crack about her and Bowser, you break his nose and immediately regret it. When Peach asks you, in the quiet of her mushroom castle bedroom "do you still love me?" you pretend to be asleep. You press the A button rhythmically, to control your breath, keep it even."
“The Israeli-Palestinian conflict was just what we were looking for. It’s got everything that the 18-20 year old male demographic wants – sex, violence, and drugs. Well, not the sex and drugs so much but boy are they blowing the bejesus out of each other."
"Eh, say what you want about the Arab-Israeli conflict, but it would make a hell of a mascot for long-lasting batteries."
"If 24 was a D20 RPG, "Stupid Teenager" would make a good NPC class to make."
"I guess. Hmm, I wonder if it would make a good RPG..."
"24 is openly, blatantly fascist, so we should make the rules of the game blatantly fascist."
"Males and females get different stats."
"+2 to Cutting Insults, -2 to Strength."
"...What about transsexuals?"
"Oh, fuck, I do not want to hear about this."
"Because you know someone would play one just to fuck with the ruleset. Hell, I'd play one, just to fuck with the ruleset."
"I don't think CTU hires transsexuals."
"What if you're really, really good at it?"
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"
"Universally accepted as the dicks of the animal kingdom, the common House Finch will burst into your room the instant you open a window, frantically flutter around for 5 minutes, then attempt to land on the nearest human occupant in order to hollow it out for nesting material. If the human is successful in expelling it, the House Finch will peck and scratch at his window for well over 30 minutes. The House Finch's brain is hardwired to believe that if it can burrow its way through people, then glass shouldn't be any more of a challenge. It is not entirely wrong.
The Finch's main habitat is Hell itself. Spending its immortal days riding the turbulent convection currents the blazing hellfires generate. It comes to Earth once every 60 years to reap souls and eat berries.
Bullets are futile against the House Finch. It can fly around them. The only known defence is 700 pounds of molten Uranium."
"That door cannot be opened."
"Okay, yeah. When you are hangin' with someone who uses "Embrace" and "Police" in the same sentence, it's time to check the exits. But don't move your head too quickly. Just keep smiling and letting them talk. If they reach a bit quickly to adjust their bright red anti-sex league sash, do NOT flinch."
"I'm afraid little Shantae has come down with a severe case of Penis Through Ear Piercing. It's been going around a lot lately. Have her take this horse viagra and call me when I'm naked in my shower."